Story revealed

Ah, well, no one took me up on my PDF offer for the anonymous story, but here is the story that I put in a friendly anonymous writing challenge (FAWC) on Literotica.

The biggest problem here, I think, is that I was on a scheduled, so a few things about the story feel rushed. I intend to take it down and re-work it but if anyone out there would read it, I wouldn’t mind some feedback on the raw data, so to speak.

You can see from the explanation that precedes the story that as part of the challenge, we all had to incorporate certain “ingredients” into our story. So far, some feedback I got was that the weakest element, in some ways, was “intellect.” Let me know what you think, or what you might have done, or how you think it would be worked in better.

An Extra Ticket

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5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Lady Falcon on August 21, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    Ok, I just finished reading your story.I agree it was rushed and I understand the time constraint. I think when you take it down and flush it out the intellect issue will fix itself. Intelligence can be portrayed in more than how many letters are after a name as I’m positive you know. I keep seeing my favorite four smart guys from The Big Bang Theory and Penny because the issue of Kayla’s community college degree reminds me when Penny lied about having one so she Leonard wouldn’t think she was stupid. Leonard is a decent example of intellect covering different areas. He is a physicist with a PhD so he has the book smarts. The nature of his specialty requires a wealth of imagination so he shows intellect in that respect.There are moments when him and Penny are talking…espeically in the first couple seasons where he picks up on emotional issues or sensitivites and is able to say something to really put Penny at ease and even make her think better of herself. There is a lot of intellect invoved in being that perceptive.

    I think fleshing out conversations the characters have with each other will make the difference. Its something you normally do…have great conversations between your characters…given more time you would have fixed it. If we get to hear more of the conversations between Kayla and Jaden, Jaden and Theresa maybe share a few comments back and forth when he takes Kayla back to work. The conversation at the party table could have really been expanded to give Jaden a clue. While the confession time in the courtyard was sweet I’d rather Jaden showed more intellect in the perception catagory and was able to encorage or set up a situation in the conversation where Kayla could prove to herself that she can hold her own. Proving it to herself is the issue. We have no real proof of Kayla’s intellect as it all reads now. We didn’t get to hear the parts of being with Kayla that Jaden found challenging or intriguing. Why can’t something she says or does when they are on the couch makes those puzzle pieces in his head fall into place and he tells her she is brilliant or something when he goes to get the paper and pencil? She wouldn’t know what she said or did or how it made the connections in his head till he explained it but then the sexy fun parts could be him thanking her for her brillance after he explained how she helped. That could all happen without him ever knowing she was self-conscious in the first place.

    Anyway, for what its worth those are my initial thoughts. Take care and happy writing.

    Reply

    • LOL Well I definitely feel that time was my biggest problem with that story. Another thing that ate into my time was that I had started it differently, then put that aside and went another route. It wasn’t entirely different, but I switched the gender of the characters, i.e., the woman was the smart one.

      This was written within three weeks for a friendly challenge at Literotica, so I couldn’t do what i might have liked, and I was also required by the challenge to include certain things, specifically sarcasm, food, sport and intellect. Intellect was defined by the contest master as “one of the characters is really smart.” I didn’t have to stick to academic smarts or street smarts, and many people will say — as I will — that “intellectual” doesn’t necessarily mean you have a degree of any kind, let alone multiple ones.

      However, given my time constraint, the easiest and quickest way to get that in seemed to me to make one of the characters “book smart,” although that didn’t mean he or she had to be a geek or socially inept or anything like that, and I didn’t go that way. You did pick up that I was going for Jaden’s intellect in the sense that he could process stuff quickly, which I think is a talent not everyone has.

      Everything you mentioned — longer conversations, more conversation, more examples of behavior — is a good idea, but fell victim to the deadline. I think I tried to tell more in this story than I usually do since I didn’t feel I had time to show it.

      Thanks for the feedback. I will be taking this down at some point and revising it. Both my kids will be in school this fall, so that should open up some of that time I keep missing. 😉

      Reply

  2. Posted by Lady Falcon on August 27, 2013 at 8:00 am

    🙂 awesome. I look forward to re-reading it,

    Reply

  3. Posted by KT on February 4, 2014 at 7:21 am

    I can’t even tell you how much I am kicking myself for just now coming to read your blog…and therefore missing the opportunity to win the PDF of the unpublished story!! Let me tell you…I would have started analyzing sentence syntax to determine which story was yours! I’ve admired your stories on literotica for a while now…anyways, I just wanted to say how much I love your writing (& hate I missed out on the opportunity to see more of it!)

    -KT

    Reply

    • KT, thanks so much for the kind words, and I’m pleased to know you would have wanted the story. I’m hoping to get some stuff published and republished. As always, it’s a matter of finding the time.

      Reply

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