Bad movies

The other night, I watched a bad movie. Mega Piranha. I couldn’t help it. I already had Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus; how could I resist another in the series? At $5 a copy?

I had two main thoughts after watching.

  1. Mega Piranha is no Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.
  2. Tiffany is no Debbie (aka Deborah) Gibson.

These awful movies and others are brought to you by The Asylum. According to Wikipedia:

The Asylum is an American film studio and distributor which focuses on producing low-budget, usually direct-to-video productions. The studio is best known for producing titles that capitalize on productions by major studios. These titles have been dubbed “mockbusters” by the press.

I love it. Bad movies that are made with the intention of at least not being very good can be great fun. And oddly, MSvs.GO was better than one might expect, provided one’s expectations are fairly low. With that damning standard, Mega Piranha fell short. Which is not to say that I didn’t enjoy some, or laugh out loud, which I did. And points, honestly, for Tiffany, who looked probably more like a real marine scientist than one usually sees in a movie. She wasn’t rail thin, didn’t wear white coats, and didn’t have flawless skin or makeup.

She also had zero chemistry with Paul Logan, who played the American “expert” who goes to Venezuela (played, very convincingly to me, by Belize) to look into the disappearance of the US Ambassador. Who, as most US Ambassadors do, I’m sure, died while on a boat with bikini-clad and topless young Latina women while he himself was a pudgy white guy in a bad shirt. Okay, he was eaten by large fish, but hey — there were scantily-clad young hotties. That was about as erotic as things got, which is to say, not erotic at all. Debbie Gibson had more chemistry with her guy in MSvsGo, seriously.

The piranhas… what can one say? If I remember correctly, Dr. Sarah Monroe (Tiffany) had an experiment gone awry. Said experiment resulted in the titular piranhas, but really, that’s not important. Even Freddy Kruger would have a hard time with these guys. They grew extra organs, extra layers of skin, were hermaphrodites, doubled in size every 36 hours (and then less), and could survive salt water (piranhas are fresh-water critters), not to mention a nuclear blast. These guys gave new meaning to omnivorous as not only do they feast on diplomats and cute females, but helicopters, submarines and naval battleships.

The piranhas make their way out of the Oronoco river in Venezuela, into the ocean and up to the Florida Keys. I actually forget how they were finally stopped. But that doesn’t matter either. You know they will be stopped. The fun is in seeing the idiocy that occurs in attempting to stop them.

Lessons learned: Strafing piranhas at night from a helicopter is not a viable strategy for stopping them; there will always be a military/government person who knows it’s really piranhas, but wants to blame the US for destabilizing the country; anyone can be a Navy SEAL (like a totally untrained scientist) when mega piranhas pose a threat.

And the most important lesson:

No one will think to find a way to get the fish out of the water, since that’s what will kill them. That’d be way too easy.


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Leigh on May 21, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    LOL on that last part.


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